Less frustrating, for you both. I now say things out loud over and over until the information goes in, with my partner, and this signals to him that ive heard and am attempting to process. fatigue, making it difficult to sustain quality time. My first book, 2008, was a major attempt to empower people with ADHD and their partners to understand ADHD and pursue evidence-based treatment, including with medication. They eventually break up, permanently, and go their separate ways. But without the understanding, its hard to get past a certain superficial point, even with optimized medication. I also speak of widespread reality. Lately, he said he forgot to text, to call, that we were spending the day together. Now he tries to remember to keep one earphone off in case I need him. Hi Gina, thank you so much for your book. What Ive found is that the partners of adults with late-diagnosis ADHD become more willing to listen, to learn when their own pain and hurt is acknowledged. I feel like Im floundering. I observed years ago that I didnt have any more fight left in me, and the best I could manage was to rebuild from past setbacks, not unearth myself from the rubble of a new one. Youre struggling ironically for and with your husband to get him to put a mask on that is supposed to save his life but you have yet to put a mask on yourself. Ive been working crazy-hard for too many years now. I didnt realize until later that I had a life-threatening bacterial infection, and had almost died. He brought me out of my shell and gave my life purpose. but these people I was meeting for the first time ABSOLUTELY INSISTED on fixing everything and they did it mighty fast too! You must understand what your ADHD partner is struggling with. No matter if thats how they started out, 20 years ago, with them being understanding and helping. I also discovered that those psychological disorders influence AD/HD. Your first attempt at problem-solving might not always work, but then you problem-solving THAT. For too long, ADHD couple therapy has been focusing all support and sympathy on the ADHD partner and recruiting the Other Partner has a helper. I have been pulling the lions share of the financial weight for the household (we moved in together two years ago). Supporting and encouraging one another. Breakups hurt. She was concerned that she would be picking up after me, physically and financially, for the rest of our lives together. And the whole deal with buying this house was weird but it was really good for the price and didnt have to be fixed up we didnt think so we had money to renovate it Kinda good thing a lesson was learned about doing business with friends (who have been brainwashed I swear after looking at this thing he said changed his life and he wanted me to do it) before we got too far along but um half the house has REALLY NICE HEAT and the other half has none well the master bedroom has some heat now, in combo with the A/C but the kitchen still has nothing. I have a long list of prior loss and trauma, and I know that factors somewhat into my perspective. I say its important more now than ever because. For the better part of three or four years, Ive tried to diagnose my wifes behavior as HPD, BPD, NPD, Autism All the while, getting caught in cyclical conflicts pertaining to my forgetfulness, instability, and unreliability. ADHD can make things difficult for all people in the relationship, but understanding how symptoms affect the relationship can help. This inclination is reinforced by many in the mental-health field. ADHD challenges typically do not improve with age. This sends the message that the new partner is the center . We did lots of therapy. I couldnt get him to help me with anything, he wouldnt even take his trash and dishes to the kitchen, Id have to go hunt for them. But BPD also commonly has an underlying component of ADHD. I was mildly opposed to the hole, KNOWING his habits lol. Im so sorry, Trent. It might be, as they say, that ship has sailed.. He is not completely defined by his ADD/ADHD. I encourage you to read my first book and forget most of the SEOd-to-death-with-keywords you read online about ADHD and relationships. After a break up, we have to be willing to sit with our feelings and go through them. How can I get him to hear me??? More importantly, at what point does it matter which it is? We can get into real trouble, though, if we believe that with enough love and caringand medicationa true sociopath can change. Anyone who has a known or suspected medical condition, or is taking medication of any kind, or has health concerns should consult a qualified health care provider before following any of the suggestions in this blog. I believe your counsel, especially that about therapists, because it is grounded in so much common sense. Have they offered to help? I wouldnt agree to it unless he properly covered hole (and making a hatch for it so he could use it again was fine) AND GAVE HIM A REASONABLE DEADLINE. All along he has and still tries to make everything harmful that he does, my or someone elses fault. Please take care of yourself. To be clear: ADHD is never an excuse for bad behavior. Not 10 easy tips and tricks. I encourage you to take a look. Hes the victim with a mean wife and Im the only capable adult that consistently shows up and handles everything for our 6 kids and 2 grandkids and 2 dogs. I tripped over a bicycle pedal and then tried to avoid tripping over an air purifier. The nature of this is that I need a well-organized environment with as few visual distractions as possible. Once we got to the decompression portion of the trip at the bed and breakfast, things had warmed between us again and I did lots of talking and crying about my family while he held me. I texted him that I needed him to come home and that I might need to go to a hospital. I hope that J sees that acceptance of ADHD and meds and learning new coping skills can help him live the life he wants. Thanks, I am very familiar with narcissism. Heres the thing: The Internet is mostly a hot mess when it comes to Adult ADHD information, especially regarding relationships. I have to be the one to tell my 5 kids, that I am sick and cannot help them. Please avoid one common stumbling block that is, folks who refuse to learn about ADHD unless their (potentially ADHD) partner does it with them. Answers that deny and minimize ADHD-related challenges. Oh, and ask yourself, why do you remain married to him? Take care of yourself by getting plenty of sleep, eating healthy and feeling grateful for the many . Unfortunately, I am also having to cope with my wifes drinking disorder for which she is in denial and wont accept that she needs help. Im good. Im grateful for the information you have presented. We dated for one and half year. Solving Your Adult ADHD Puzzle Foundations, As for Jit can be very tricky, reaching folks like J, as you describe him. I love this in particular in your comment: Computing all this I then said. But over time, things should improve, if the medication is properly prescribed and taken. I havent yet found the right book, and hes gotten more annoyed by my behavior over the years, even though I have been trying to do a better job of not letting my ADHD get in the way. To fast-track your process, consider joining my online program Course 1 (Foundations) is available now, and Course 2 (Sleep & Medication) will be out soon. I try to explain that either way me or her we are in the proverbial Fox Hole together and we need to work together My wife expressed I need to make the changes The public largely cannot imagine how an intelligent scientist can experience such problems in the rest of life. This makes me hurt which within moments makes me angry. I really dont know what to do anymore. Especially the medication chapter. It was hard for me to validate those feelings even though I clearly knew that a measure of it was unacceptable. After all, the pain caused by a breakup is enough to lead to depression. She will not begin to consider that her present behavioral modality is ill-suited for solo entrepreneurship. He said, You are a very lucky lady. Hi Danielle, . On our own. But you might have to work to get it. One of many examples.. but I dont argue, I dont fight back, I silently just do something else that removes something happy for me to not cause discomfort for him 19 years together. I have never liked someone enough to be in a real relationship until this year.. We met end of December and it started great. Then theres interrupting conversations and being impulsive which creates more things for me to navigate!!! The cable guy was kind of lucky he didnt get zapped too. I adore my lady, and recognize I have beyond fare share of flaws. But I was holding on for dear life, praying he didnt knock my foot into the elevator doorframeor catapult me out of the chair entirely! Sometimes it catches up with me 4 months before the relationship ended, I stopped my medication because it interferes with the ease with which I eat, prepare and manage my diet and makes it challenging to sleep often, especially when I have a busy schedule. He has been ADHD since a child that refuses to take any medication got him to go to a counselor for about a year who also suggested he take medication but he wont do it! Its an off-shoot of my e-mail/web-based discussion group. But that is a scary and forbidden thing to say. So he lied, for 3 weeks. Many many times, when I have had a cold or 3 years ago when I was diagnosed with a neck/back condition as a result of an accident, he behaves as I am exaggerating and does not show interest, just until he sees me feeling really bad. Id also add codependency/cptsd to my list of isms as well. I had been passed out on the floor for that long. Or, if your husband is not on board with seeking to improve life for the both of you, maybe you will feel worse. Anyways, I have created a list of how I can better support him & reminders for myself like His symptoms are not a reflection of how he feels about me & Give him more time/space than you deem feasible. Ask your questions for your own sense of closure if he is done. At the end of the day Im questioning if he even cares about me. Im glad you found my blog. That was a daunting discovery, but I was cautiously hopeful that the chaos and destruction that has permeated every area of our lives could be turned around, that there was enough left of what used to be good that could be rediscovered and redeemed. I cannot imagine being so callous as to gaslight people in situations such as you describe. But now, the bathroom isnt cleaned and while Im trying to work full time and manage our kids, he is laying in bed all day furiously scribbling notes likely about how overbearing I am to discuss with his therapist. Compared to when I started, in the late 1990s, we are going backward. Which should be fun, because he hasnt been working (unless you call building forts and training dinosaurs, work ), and has maxed out his credit cards. I was diagnosed with ADHD in 2021 aged 60 which you can imagine was met with both feelings of relief and regret. Chloe wrote: and he finally understood what I had been trying to ask him for all along: that whatever happens, if he can just listen and show empathy I can feel safe enough to work through nearly anything. lol! My husband got silent and I could tell he was angry. I often times, lately, felt like I didnt matter to him and he didnt care about me. He told me at the beginning that he has ADHD, but i didn`t know much about it until today. You know, what you describe isnt such an odd situation. I needed to find a book that was short, sweet, and to the point. Unfortunately, some less-than-discerning therapists and even prescribers now perpetuate these very bad ideas. I was so horrified and in despair. Theres just dirt down there, no floor (Radon isnt a problem there), and the people before us tried to do some things themselves. I love this man with all my heart, but Im unwilling to stick to a relationship where I cannot feel like my partner is an equal to me and where I have to do the lions share of the work. That is what I tell every therapist I have ever gone to. . But he wasnt always THIS bad And THEN he caught his parents disease. PTSD is the right diagnosis for me and when you put someone with PTSD through DBT the results can be ugly. Im trying to think of a short and sweet book. The guy was going to get the cable company to take care of everything and get a plumber in there etc. It is still extremely hard to find professionals who have this expertise. I can only imagine how that feels. I explain I just need help with tools to manage my own feelings and responses. I suppose that I was retaliating by looking through his phone, because I have noticed a pattern with severely jealous people over the years, in that often, if they are spying on you, they are actually so insecure that they will make up stories in order to have an excuse to do shady things themselves. This is not offered as a criticism so much as a statement of fact. Among the many potential ADHD relationship issues, this is one of the most hurtful. Fortunately, he was in the Bay Area then: Daniel Amen, MD. As a result he has created a lot of distance between us and has become even more irresponsible to the point that we are in a financial crisis over missed work and unpaid bills. Well bugger me, there is NO partnership here and Im friggin drowning. I want absolute privacy in the backyard but he felt that the knotholes were too miniscule and that no one would look through anyway. I love him dearly. HE WOULDNT BELIEVE ME! Complains he doesnt get enough sex but I am not attracted to someone I have to mother and if you spend your whole night out in the garage playing with your cars and no attention to me then you will not get any. But looking back, I ALWAYS have had what I needed to pursue those interests. Weve still had incidents where he struggled to understand why something hurt, but hes let go of judging if my feelings are fair and embraces the idea that feelings always matter. It might be that, when you and your husband are a bit further on your ADHD education and treatment journey, youll start feeling better. It was incredibly validating to find similar sentiments expressed in your writing. I have regular weekly therapy where even my therapist says that i have therapy just to vent about my husbands lack of effort, emotional maturity, self awareness and continuous disregard for how his ADD and fractured executive functioning affect me and the family. I have ADD, but I can hyperfocus and get specific tasks accomplished (usually) and am fortunate enough to have a level of intellectual acuity that tends to make my symptoms less obvious to casual observers, particularly at the beginning of a relationship. This is all too common a phenomenon. He also has a tendency to hoard things (materials for projects he never starts etc) so weve been living in near complete chaos for 7 years with my ocd tendencies making it more like hell. Its another therapy trope that typically works against us when it comes to dealing with ADHD. Dr. Saltz said that several signs may indicate an unhealthy relationship, particularly with a partner who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder: feeling that you're a caretaker in the . If I suggest that maybe its ok to just trust her instincts from time to time, youd think I had asked her to light herself on fire. Ghosting is done by many of us living with bipolar disorder, especially during bipolar depressive episodes. I rushed to the parking lot, [apparently], not realizing I hadnt fully explained what I was doing and HE was so upset, frightened, or whatever that he yelled at me across the parking lot, in front of estranged family, [thank you]. Hes likely still in denial and were both too stressed. I have effectively destroyed all trust she has. While the distractibility, disorganization, and impulsivity of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD or ADD) can cause problems in many areas of adult life, these symptoms can be particularly damaging when it comes to your closest relationships. conduct disorder, antisocial personality disorder, autistic-spectrum disorders, and more). The answer is NO! It was a nice surprise that they were so sensitive when there ARE NO HUMANS when it comes to my tech support request thats been there for like 5 years. I would just wonderare you sure that he resists evaluation/medication or do his ADHD symptoms mean he procrastinates, is overwhelmed, etc.. The Internet has changed everything. 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